To the Wedding Planners

Dear Wedding Industry:

I have had enough of your foolish shannigans. I am getting married, but this does not make me an out of control consumer-driven Bridezilla who must stress out about center pieces and "hot color combos."

I no longer want to be told that my fiancee did not buy my engagement ring properly. In fact, I don't want to hear anymore about diamonds being the only true rock for engagement rings. (Mine is a pretty sapphire that did not exploite children or fund a war in Africa.)

I no longer want to be instructed on how to find the "perfect dress". I don't want to be subjected to your rules on what shade of white my dress should be based on the circumstances of my marriage. I have had enough of looking at $1,000 dresses. I want to see dresses made for real people!

On another note, I am going to blow chunks if I have to hear another word on how to throw a great reception for my guests. I'm sure my guests feel privileged that I am inviting them to this special occasion in my life and could care less about wedding favors and whether or not I have a band or DJ. (In fact, I will have neither.) I don't think my reception will make or break their opinion of my marriage.

I am also disgusted that you managed to work your evil ways on the likes of Macys, Kohls and the unsuspecting Target with your demonic wedding registries. I am not getting married to profit off of my friends and family and get a butt load of kitchen gadgets that I will never use. I don't want my friends buying me sheets and toasters, or fine china that's going to sit in a cabinet and never get used.

What's even more upsetting is that you have completely brainwashed my loved ones. One of my beloved's asked me why I don't want to register for new towels. I just got new towels 9 months ago when I moved into my apartment! What the F do I need new towels for? Because we're getting married instead of just moving in together? Super lame and wasteful. If someone buys me a blender with no intention of it being a joke, I'm going to be super pissed.

Wedding Industry, I want to let you know how horrendous it is to be told by you that my wedding will be complete trash without the most expensive photographer, the most elegant looking flowers and a cake that is a foot and a half taller than me. I do not care if my wedding is perfect down to the smallest detail.

I am not getting married to put on a show and to impress my family and friends with limos, a four course meal and 700 toasts and speeches. I am getting married because I want to share my life with someone and I am having a wedding so my friends and family can witness the beginning of that. I have yet to hear any advice from you as to how to celebrate love.

Sincerely:

Jenny