Body Image

Last December, I wore a size 4. In March,my Buddha Gut popped the button off a size 6 pair of pants. Today, I'm an 8 and even that's starting to feel a little snug. While I don't mind having an excuse to shop for new clothes, my new body weight is weird and I'm having a hard time adjusting.

I already know my feelings about being a size 8 are total crap. A size 8 is not even fat. But being told I look "heavier in my face" than I did a few months ago isn't exactly doing much for my self-esteem. (Thanks family holiday get togethers!) My outside appearance should have zero influence on my self-esteem. But it does.

What makes me angry is that stick thin figures are so ingrained in women's minds as the only acceptable way to look that even I, a self-proclaimed radical feminist, am not immune. This summer, I opted for the tankini instead of the bikini, which made me look 6 months preggers. (My gut is only inseminated with doughnuts and burritos.) In actuality, I probably should have gone with the string bikini and flaunted my new tummy rolls.

I've never had problems with gaining weight before so this whole "body image" garbage is pretty new to me. I often wonder why it is that I feel so funny about gaining weight. I did gain a lot really fast, but I'm pretty sure it's due to a change in my eating and lifestyle habits. But I also think the real problem is stupid American society telling all women they're fat and unattractive unless they're a size 4 (or a 2 if you live in L.A.)

Now instead of trying to improve my inner self with reading and volunteerism, I'm focusing on making myself feel better about being a size 8. What a waste.